


What It's Like To Live

by Falconstar



Category: Daily Grace, Hartbig, Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF), My Drunk Kitchen
Genre: Awkward, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, Grace-senior, Ha ha Hannah is as awkward as I am we should get married, Hannah's also kinda antisocial, Hannah-junior, Happy third wheel Mamrie, High School, I don't even know guys, I'll let ya know, Modern day high school, Probs smut later, There may be other Youtubers later as well, depressed, hartbig - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falconstar/pseuds/Falconstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anxious, awkward, and depressed Hannah Hart has an entire lifetime of repression under her belt, and with those years comes even more dark secrets. As she staggers, stumbles, and barely scrapes by in high school, she meets someone along the way that lets her feel what it's like to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ignorance is Bliss

1, 2, 3... Hannah counts in her head the number of scattered green tiles that dot the white high school halls. She watches them fly by as she speed walks to her class. It's a familiar sight. That's all she ever sees because she's less than unwilling to lift her head up to the level of the other busy students in the hall. Busy? Ha. She scoffs to herself. The majority of these screeching Mary-Janes don't do any of their school work, so should they actually be called students? No learning is involved, that's for sure. Hannah ponders in short lived contentment. Before she can even process what happens, the air is momentarily knocked from her chest as Hannah is met with another body instead of the open hallway she was expecting. All her textbooks and notes clatter to the floor. 'Crap. Awesome. This is what I get for not looking where I'm going,' she thinks to herself. The suddenly self-conscious brunette sinks to the ground to retrieve them. As she does so, Hannah looks up to identify who she ran into.

"Ssss--" She can't finish. Above her, with perfect brown eyes looking down at her in concern, is the most beautiful girl Hannah has ever seen. 

"Oh my god, are you ok? I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there, I totally zoned out-"

"It's fine," Hannah cuts her off. "It's my fault, I wasn't paying attention." As usual. God Hart, get it together. This is your Junior year. The mysterious blonde joins her on the floor to help with the mound of supplies that escaped her grasp when she rounded the corner. When the last paper is placed upon the pile, she collects her haul and stands up fully to breath clearer, less awkward tainted air. The taller girl joins her once again, poisoning the atmosphere for Hannah. She's intoxicating. Hannah takes the first decent look at her newfound acquaintance. She's tall. Real tall. Big, brown eyes, with gorgeous flowing blonde hair. All features she had noticed before, but when put into one picture, a masterpiece. After staring for a bit too long, she awkwardly nods her dismissal before dropping back into the fray of frazzled high school students. 

"Wait!" She is gently coerced by a soft hand back to the other girl whom she's now desperate to escape. 

"You never told me your name. Mine's Grace." She says it with a sort of shy dignity. Confident. 

The shorter girl stares at the ground for a while, pending if she should actually decide to take on the perhaps torturous commitment. She sighs, and lifts her head. 

"Hannah," she says quietly. "My name is Hannah."

 

\--

 

It had been four hours since the fiasco with the Angel of the Hallway. An affectionate nickname given to one of the only people that was actually nice to her since she got to high school. She was near friendless. With her heart still beating fast, she lets her backpack fall to her feet as she plops down on the couch, reaching for the remote. The TV hums for a moment before coming to life and filling the room with voices from yet another generic cooking show. Mamrie would like this, she thinks. Her senior friend is weirdly into the food-y stuff. She looks thoughtfully at her phone for a minute, debating if she should invite the redhead over, but decides otherwise. She wouldn't be able to listen to anything Mamrie said anyway. She'd be too preoccupied replaying the events of today in her head, like she has since she got home. Hannah ignores the voices flowing from the speakers. She remembers it clearly, like staring through clear tropical water. Hannah closes her eyes. 

"Oh my god, are you ok? I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there, I totally zoned out."

The scene plays out in her mind as if she were watching it on a screen. 

"Wait! You never told me your name. Mine's Grace."

"Hmm," Hannah hums. "Grace." She opens her eyes. "How fitting." How such a girl stayed out of her orbit for so long is beyond her.

The shorter woman is yanked back to reality by the sound of a door closing. She looks around hastily for the source. Hannah hones in on the front door to see Mamrie laughing. 

"You really should lock your door, Hart." 

"Robbers can take whatever they want," Hannah counters, resting her gaze on the screen she never watched in the first place. 

"Oh I don't care about that. I would just be absolutely annoyed if someone murdered my best friend," Mamrie said as she sat down next to Hannah. It was actually more of a dive bomb.

"Yeah. Thanks, ginge," Hannah muttered, unamusment underlying every word. "Yup. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you Mamrie. I guess I'll lock my doors from now on, if that's what you wish," she continued in her thin and tested tone. The older girl laughed and threw herself over Hannah's lap. 

"Oh but you love me anyway, don't you?" Hannah gave her a grunt and a half hearted smile. Mamrie straightened up. 

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just thinking." Hannah dismisses her worry with a wave of her hand. 

"Hart, I've known you long enough to know if something's up, and something is up. Now spill it."

"Mm mm." Hannah purses her lips. "No Mamrie. You're not breaking me. I'm staying strong. It's stupid, and I'm only going to embarrass myself."

"You never seemed to have a problem with that before," she murmured. 

"Mamrie! Not helping!"

The redhead laughs loudly. "Oh hush. You know I'm kidding. I know very well that your self esteem is my child, and if I don't treat it carefully, then it'll die like your soul has." 

Hannahs only response was an eye roll. She picks up her phone and scrolls aimlessly through it for a few seconds before dropping it to find Mamrie's waiting face. 

"What?" Hope sparks and crackles around in her head. Maybe she would let it go. 

The taller girl makes a face that says "you're kidding me, right?" Apparently she thought wrong. 

"You know 'what'," Mamrie said. 

"Ugh!" Hannah throws her head back in dismay and defeat. She stares at the ceiling and wishes that she could float up and be sucked through. Disappearing forever doesn't seem so far fetched. Where to go. 

"Hey!"

Caught daydreaming...again. 

"Good lord. From what I can see, you're still on planet earth. Please act like it. You're scaring me."

Hannah growls deep in her throat. "Fine. Just...fine."

"Yes! I'm victorious once again!" Mamrie howls. 

The shorter girl sighs. "So there's this girl-"

"I knew it!"

"Mamrie! You wanted to know, let me tell you." The red head clears her throat and apologizes softly, urging her to continue. 

"Anyway," Hannah says, staring daggers at Mamrie. "This girl, she's a senior. Her name is Grace." Mamrie looks up at her, eyes glowing. "I ran into her in the hallway. Literally. I honestly expected her to just continue walking like anyone else would, but she stopped and helped. When she stood up and I finally got a good look at her, Jesus Christ, Mamrie. I don't have words to describe this girl. She made my heart go crazy and my mind foggy. This has never happened before. Mames, I think I'm fucked."

She looks down at her friend, to see her pantomiming collecting jaw from the floor. Hannah laughs and shakes her head. 

"Dude you're in love."

"No way. We just met!" Hannah screeches after both a well timed scoff and an eye roll. Mamrie matches her sass immediately. 

"It doesn't matter the number of seconds or years you've been deep for someone. We're in high school. Time doesn't matter. Look around you. What happens to all the girls that scream 'it's love?' Not a damn thing. Not a howl of criticism to be heard. If anything, it's 'cute'."

Hannah laughs loudly and obnoxiously. "But you don't believe that bullshit, do you? Oh no. Of course not. Mamrie Hart is too smart for that. Stop while you're behind, ginge." She smirks inwardly. No Mamrie. Victory is mine. 

The red head narrows her eyes at Hannah before snatching the other girls phone from her lap. 

"Mamrie." 

"Yes?" She mused, smiling. 

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Checking to see if she has a Kik," she said, hesitation battling in her voice. Like she was too busy to be bothered as she answered Hannah's barrage of questions. The shorter girls eyes shot open wide as she fired a hand forward, grasping for her phone back. Giggling like a maniac, Mamrie quickly rolled off Hannah's lap and out of her reach before prancing to the other side of the room, buying her time. 

"Hey!" Hannah shouts after her as she rockets from the couch. She crashes into a now hysterical Mamrie and snatches the phone from her. Blue eyes lock on to the screen and widen as cold chills slither up her spine. Too late. Mamrie had already sent "Hey" to a certain blonde under the Kik name GraceyGirl and she watches helplessly as the "D" in front of the message bolded right before her very eyes. It delivered. Hannah's reaction was enough to send Mamrie sliding to the floor in a fit of tears as she laughs so hard she struggles to breathe. 

Hannah throws her phone back on to the couch, just holding it gives her anxiety. She turns to Mamrie, a beyond priceless look on her face. 

"How. Could. You. Do. That." enunciating every word for emphasis. 

Mamrie wipes the tears from her face with a giant smile. "You know why," she sputters, still regaining her composure. Hannah closes her eyes, sighs, and lets her head drop. She needed to think. A minute passes, then two. Silence becomes law for Mamrie. If she wants to keep her tongue, that is. It’s only after one more minute that she lifts her head to look at Mamrie, who is still on the floor with her face contorted in astonishment as she watches Hannah’s expression go from stressed to the most convicted Mamrie has ever seen her.

“Fine,” Hannah mutters quietly through temporarily clenched teeth. “But if I’m going to do this, you’re doing it with me, bitch.”


	2. Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hannah and Grace start finally getting a feel for each other, we're introduced to Douchbag Derek, and we talk a walk in Hannah's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite how slow going their relationship is, only expect two or three more parts. Lots of time will start passing in between chapters. I've been winging this since I first started writing it so bear with me guys.

The next day, Hannah can’t help looking around the commons with the gaze of a predatory bird on the hunt. There were many people in the large room but she only had eyes for one, and she needed to find that one person before they found her. It’s not that she didn’t want to see Grace, she was just sure that her heart couldn’t take the stress of another surprise run-in. Her sapphire eyes rake over everyone that occupies the early morning sun lit room before sighing and tucking a piece of her short blonde hair behind her ear. She makes a mental note of how beautiful the rays of gold are that shine through the skylights. They remind her of someone.

She is ripped once again from her thoughts when Mamrie walks up behind her and rests her head on Hannah's shoulder. 

"No luck?" Mamrie asks. 

Hannah shakes her head and winces at her failure. "None," she confirms. The bell for first period rings and Hannah jumps. She makes one last attempt at scanning the faces making their way to their lockers one last time. No Grace. 

"Well, when you do find her, don't choke." Mamrie backs away from Hannah and contorts her face into one desperately needing air and brings her hands to her neck, struggling as if something is wrapped tight around her throat. She then smiles and gives Hannah a friendly pat on the arm before walking to class. She will never have enough of Mamrie's pantomimes. 

Hannah turns on her heel and begins the trek to her locker. She falls silently into the throng of people making their way in the world with her. The Herd, she would call it, for it was exactly that. All together, yet so separate, and Hannah would continue to test the limits of just how separate she could be from everyone. She considered it an art form to be one of them and a stranger at the same time. An art hard to master as well. She was fairly accustomed to bullying, but not as of recently. When she reached high school, it sort of faded into nothingness. Guess people just had better things to do. But the knowledge that she could so easily shrivel into insignificance was a staggering blow to the self esteem she never should have had in the first place. She keeps herself cold and indifferent for a reason. Invisible. Just the way she likes it. 

Hannah turns the corner and scans the numbers of the lockers she passes. When she arrives at her number, she emits a soft "excuse me" directed towards a tall senior boy leaning against her locker. He scoffs at her and takes his time vacating the area, an invisible plume of cologne hitting her in the face as he passes. Derek. The stereotypical hot shot. Captain of the football team and the school's very own striking green eyed heartthrob. Born into a rich family, he wasn't known for being a saint to unpopulars, he was known for being hot and getting what he wanted. Hannah wouldn't grace any of those attributes to him on her own, but overhearing hot gossip is a vital survival skill and it simultaneously nearly leveled the playing field for her. She was a chameleon. Changing colors to her advantage. Truly speaking her mind would be social suicide. 

Derek joins his friends a few feet behind her and she can hear his deep voice mingle softly with others for a moment before disappearing completely. Suddenly feeling self conscious, she positions her head to keep Derek barely inside her periphery. Hannah listens impatiently to the gentle clicking behind her locker as she enters the combination. She jerks the navy blue metal door open unceremoniously, muscles tense from the brief altercation with Derek. She's right to be afraid. He finds it laughable to pray on the weak, but seems unusually placid in the way he interacts with her, and her only. She was a nobody and he could grind her existence to dust with ease. His words and actions could destroy her and what little reputation she had at that school forever...yet he does nothing. Everything inside her screams for her to leave. Run as fast as she can from that place and never look back. He was staring at her. She can feel it. He's burning holes in the back of her head and she can almost imagine the heat of his green gaze. She grips a single stray pencil and rips it from the top compartment of her locker before nearly slamming it, and walking away from Derek and his posse with as much haste as she can muster. There was something off about that boy. Something that made her skin crawl. 

\--

First period arrives in a blur as Hannah struggles to put the fear she felt earlier that morning behind her. A worksheet was placed on the desks of the students and Hannah absentmindedly pulls the paper closer to study it. She's totally lost in her thoughts as she writes her name at the top and scans the first question. It's about the book they're reading, asking her list two specific quotes found within it. 

How the hell was she supposed to remember? It's not like she cared enough to pay attention. Her nervous fingers get to work, tapping the end of her pencil against the desk in an effort to relieve some stress.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

A voice sounded quietly behind her. And that voice! She recognized it almost immediately and it made her want to disappear. Hannah whips around to see none other than Grace with only a single desk separating them. She leans over the wooden island and whispers (as to not alert the teacher) to Grace, "what are you doing here?!"

The older blonde cocks her head and chuckles. "I've been in your first hour class the entire year."

"Oh." Hannah looks down at the floor, hoping that if she stared hard enough, a big hole would appear out of nowhere and swallow her up forever. In her efforts to be invisible, she made everyone else invisible as well. "I'm an idiot," she states matter-of-factly to herself. 

"Hey..."

"Huh?" She snaps her attention back to Grace who's now looking at Hannah with furrowed brows, but dismisses her confusion with a small shake of her head. 

"You messaged me last night. Sorry I didn't respond, I got caught up with a friend." Grace inched closer to Hannah, obviously as keen as the other girl was to not get caught by the teacher. Hannah could smell her perfume. 

"Th-that's fine," she stutters and flashes a weak smile, honestly relieved that she didn't reply to MAMRIE'S message. She would have died for sure. 

Grace smiles back and Hannah's gaze drifts down to her lips and she takes note of how pink they are. She needs to say something and say it now before she says or does something she'll regret with every fiber of her being. "What you said earlier, what did you mean? Something about courage."

"Oh," Grace's eyes widen slightly. "That was one of the quotes. Question number one...I saw that you were struggling. The second one is 'the brave may not live forever, but the cautious don't live at all.' Words to live by, I think."

"Yeah," Hannah agrees softly. "Um, thanks." She turns around and quickly jots the two quotes down on her paper before twisting to look at Grace again. She feels like if she looks away for too long, Grace will disappear and it'll all have been a dream. 

"Ya know," Grace pauses, "I can tutor you if you're having trouble with your work."

Hannah curses herself for getting so attached to a near stranger, but she's also happy that her heart chose such an amazing person as Grace. 

"Sure. That sounds great." 

Grace smiles broadly. "Awesome. 6:00. My house. I'll message you the details. Don't be late."

"Wouldn't dare," Hannah says as the bell rings and the classroom is left empty within seconds. Only she remains, smiling to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S Derek will come into play later, so don't be confused about the brevity of his appearance. Spoilers? I ain't even give a fuck.


End file.
